just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
she looked like the before picture.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
