I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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