Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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