I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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