Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
