it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
