We named our party play list daddy issues
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
