We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
They are going to name an STD after you.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize