She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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