Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
