Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
My vagina is officially offended.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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