i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
