I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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