If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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