I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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