You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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