I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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