You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
