I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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