i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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