HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
