why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize