i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
