Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
