im drinking this country out of the recession.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
