If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
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