I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize