walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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