Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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