i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
