I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Randomize
