I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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