these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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