I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
