She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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