it's too hot outside to masturbate.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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