I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
