I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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