i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Randomize
