soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
