I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
