My underwear smells like fireworks.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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