Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
