the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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