Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
