I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
