I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
