i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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