u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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