Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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