Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
