I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Found your dick twin last night
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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