The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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