So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
