my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
her vagine was all disorganized.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
