i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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