fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
