you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Let's get the cat blown out
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
