He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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