I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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