I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
We left the knife in your bed.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
