Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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