Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
