These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
