Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
