I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Randomize
