If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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