Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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