I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
look no pants
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
